Every day at four o'clock, I stop whatever it is I am doing
to watch my favorite soap opera. I take the phone off the
hook, lock the door, sit with a cup of freshly brewed
coffee, and escape. It has become an addiction. One that I
like having.
Almost every time I do this, I am astounded at how much
better the lives of these people are than mine. There are
some basic facts, Ladies and Gentlemen, that apply only to
soap opera people, the women in particular.
The women in soap operas are always extraordinarily
beautiful. The women in soap operas do not walk across a
room, they glide. The women in soap operas are never
without a man for more than three hours at a stretch. That
is, if their story book relationship is about to break up,
you can always be assured that there is another Adonis
waiting just around the scene. The women in soap operas
never do laundry, clean toilet bowls, or vacuum. The women
is soap operas never have a single hair out of place or a
nail chipped. I remember one scene in particular that
exemplified this because it paralleled the same situation
in my life. I was at the airport saying goodbye to my
friend. A young lady on the soap opera was at the airport
saying goodbye to her lover.
I will never forget how she looked. One perfectly shaped
tear glistened down her luminously made up face. The wind
blew through her shining blonde hair. (I wondered at the
time, where the wind came from in the middle of the
airport). A Beethoven symphony was playing in the
background, and dozens of beautiful, white, casablanca
lilies cascaded around her from out of the sky, (there must
have been a hole in the airport roof), as her lover took
her hand in his, and kissed it tenderly.
In my scenario, there was considerably more than one tear.
My face was not luminous, it was wet. It did not glisten,
it was too drenched in mascara and pancake make up to
glisten too much. The only music I recall was a strange
looking fellow's sony walkman blasting something less than
romantic in the background. I particularly remember this,
because it drowned out the sound of whatever my friend was
saying to me at the time. I have a strong suspicion it was
goodbye, but I will never really know for sure.
Human beings behave differently on soap operas. Have you
ever watched people go swimming on a soap opera? The women
arrive at the pool in gold, laminated dresses enveloping
their tiny bikinis, that match the gold flecks in their
eyes. The men, I am sure, arrive straight from their
previous employment with Playgirl magazine. If either party
actually does manage to get wet, you can be assured that as
they emerge out of the water, their hair suddenly parts
perfectly, down the middle of their forehead, miraculously,
similar to the parting of the red sea. The men's bodies
glisten with oils. Somehow, a little man with an oil can
must have been down there at the bottom of the pool. Many
times, I have waited beside my pool, (such as it is),
hoping some man, any man, would emerge, tanned and oiled
like that, all to no avail.
And have you ever noticed what it is like being sick on a
soap opera? It almost makes you want to run out and collect
as many germs as you can find, just so you can get admitted
to those wonderful places of recuperation. Terminal
patients never look terminal on a soap. They look lovely.
They lie in their perfectly made up Wamsutta down beds
while being attended to by physicians that look remarkably
like Robert Redford and Tom Cruise.
And most of them seem to have sudden and astounding
recoveries. Of course, with doctors like those, who could
blame them. Even the dead on soap operas look wonderful. If
I really must go someday, please God, let it be on a soap.
I would love the world to remember me that way.
Let's face it. The people on soaps do not attend to
everyday realities. I do not recall even one soap opera
person ever having to go the the john. I have given this
much thought, and have decided that they just don't have to
do that sort of thing. They go to the powder room, (it's
much more civilized), to check that nothing is amiss,
although God knows why, they couldn't possibly be improved
upon.
People in soap operas don't cook much either. Rarely, have
I seen anyone sweating over a hot stove. They hardly eat.
That must be why they all remain so svelte. When they do
feel the need to indulge, well, you can be assured it will
be at their favorite local dining establishment. Probably a
place called "The Escargot Room" where they are greeted by
a very distinguished frenchman named, Pierre, taken to
their private table, where of course, their usual red
roses, waterford crystal and candlelight awaits them. All
of these details go without saying. They are often the only
ones in the restaurant, so there is always plenty of room
on the immaculately marbled dance floor.
It is here, of course, where the man, handsomely dressed in
his tuxedo, whispers the most incredibly romantic things
into the woman's ear. Things such as, "Darling, you touch
my soul with your eyes." I ask you, my friends, when was
the last time your man said that to you?
Oh, and if it just happens to be a special occasion, such
as an engagement, then a trio of violinists or a mini
orchestra suddenly appears on the scene, and the lady is
presented with a diamond ring, I am sure, borrowed from
Elizabeth Taylor's collection, while sipping on her Dom
Perignon.
As of late, it has also occurred to me that people on soap
operas never seem to pay bills, floss their teeth, or
change their kid's diapers. And you know something, I
wouldn't have it any other way. If I wanted to watch that,
I wouldn't have to turn on the TV. You can keep your
reality. Give me Fantasy!
At least for one hour - every day - at four o'clock.
----------------------------------------------------
Copyright © 1990 by Veronica Hay. Veronica is the author of
In a Dream, You Can Do Anything, A Collection of Words, An
Extraordinary Collection Of Writings That Will Uplift You,
Motivate You, Inspire You, And Gently Guide You Along The
Inner Path Of Your Life.
Click here to learn more and listen to sample inspirational
audios: http://www.insightsandinspirations.com
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